Wednesday, May 21, 2008
11:33 AM
|
I'm starting to... No, probably alrdy disliking group meeting with the rest of the girls. Somehow, they always make me feel that I dont do enough. I'm probably super lazy.. but I'm not stupid. 1 of the girls.. is really dominating. She decides wad each ppl in the group does. I'm given most of the junky part of the project. For example, Timesheet. I HATE doin that. But if it's a small scale, I can press my teeth tgt tightly and let it pass. This current proj we're doing on, it's definately nt small scale. It's a 2 mths long proj.. whic would require abt 10 meeting minutes!!
That.. has infact spoilt most of my mood to study for the test tmr. I may b the least intelligent of the 3 girls.. but tt doesnt mean I'm nt intelligent at all! I know I need guidance as well, but when I get it, I always try to do my best!
But she didnt give me a chance. For the timesheet, I could squeeze out all my brain juice to do a tougher part of the project. It's not a different part to do, but I just duno how to crap. Since learning how to write a simple 1, prob in sec sch, I alrdy dislike it. Too bad... for this current time of the day, I alrdy did half of it. So I'm not going to give up my brainjuice for it anymore.
I just need to whine/complain/be grouchy abt it.
Somehow, this reminded me of a backstabber incident whic I encountered since my 1st yr in Perth. Things may b cleared since... but I could nv trust again. I was really naive. Thinking any1, every1 could be like my sec sch frens n poly frens. Where there was no discriminating, no bias-ness. We stood tgt no matter wad.
I think abt myself over the last 2.5 yrs since coming to Perth. When I had problems, who I could turn to n tok to. The only person was probably Calynn.. she was the only soul I knew when I came to Perth, knowing no1. I rem going to her whenever I needed some1 to tok to. When I felt lonely... i even asked to sleep with her on the squeezy single bed. She allowed too.
Over 2 yrs alrdy... she has graduated n moved out of the current hse I'm still staying in Holder street. Junqi has prob taken over this companionship she used to provide me with. But I still dun feel that he understds enough.
Drift.
But Calynn... since she was with Clement, I feel the drift between us alrdy. I dun dislike Clem in any way. But incidents n when planning of meetings, she had made it clear tt Clem will be there always. Peiling, a sec sch fren I used to be so close to, just told me. A fren will always be a fren. But i really hate to see frens drift. Ppl I trust so so much, no matter the distance, to actually be so difficult to talk to now.
My sec sch frens, Peiling Geraldine Jiafang Tingjun Shirley, the only person I talk to now, is Shirley. But she nt usually ard. It's difficult for us to share anything with each other nowadays. But she's a fren that I really really wan to keep. For good. Poly girls, all busy with work n bf. They dun come online much.. just like Shir. And it's difficult for me to always keep up n call them from over the miles.
Junqi... I said earlier, he may prob have taken over the companionship. But sometimes... he adds on to my emptyness. I know if I'm ever without him here, I will feel as if I'm the only person in the world. I still feel that I dont know him enough.. no matter how long we knew each other before this bgr. When I liked him so very much that he's so different from other guys, he's actually not. I complain and whine abt anything that makes me upset. But he has no comments.. no nth to comfort me abt. Since he went to Uni at 2pm, I wandered from his room, to my room.. n back n forth. I was abit lost. I didnt feel like doing anything.
Ppl I could really turn to now.. is practically zero. I only hang out with a grp of girls fr chem eng. If i have any problems with them, who can I tell, who can understd? If I have rship problems, who can i turn to too? When i used to turn to Shir n the poly girls so much..
Sometimes, jus sometimes, I'm slightly glad that the landlord's family is at hm. When they make noise, at least I know there's ppl in the hse.
I'm a very Human person. I need ppl ard me. If I'm the guy from I am Legend, I rather die. I depend on ppl, life ard me to be alive. I get affected by things/ people easily. I'm emotionally very weak. But I dun like to appear weak infront of others. I dun like ppl to know my emotion. I think alot. Coz my brain wont stop thinking. Every second, it could be thinking of different random stuff.
I'm emotional now. Prob pms-ing. But here n there when my mind wanders off, all the thoughts I typed above, are those that ever came to my mind b4.
you make my life perfect-`