Sunday, November 12, 2006
12:17 AM
|
Suddenly... I feel that I have to blog. I've been feeling so down.. it's like, feels like, no1 can understd how u r feeling. Like u r all alone.. U just have to cope it urself. Try to say it out.. find somebody. But U find no1.. no1's listening.. it's hard to say out everything. I dun wan to feel too exposed. I dun wan the person hearing my problem to feel as worried as I am. I dun wan to feel like the worst of any being.
I just need to talk it out.. Need to tell somebody. That person who knows me best.. is only me. I need to be stronger.. look back here in the future & rem all these I'm going through now. But I'll nv want to go through this again...
I feel that no matetr how I study, I just cant make it. Everything seems so tough. I never felt that studying was such a chore b4.. ever.
I find it hard to tell Calynn. Wad I think she would say would be "Aiya, just study la.. den it'll be ok. U need more condusive environment.. " kinda thing. Her mentality might just be "U study, U get distinction. U dun, just a pass." That's her.. her grades are always gd.
This feeling is so so bad. Worries.. worries.. and more worries. EXAMS. The killer... I'm scared, really am. Very scared. I dunwan to feel again. I dun wan to repeat a sem.. I dun wan to come back in Dec to take supp paper, when every1's playing & having fun. I want to be happy.. be happy in Sg.
I dun wan to be alone.. facing everything alone. I need people who understds me to be with me. I hate being alone.. but I still am.. alone. I missed being ard with frens.. when I will have any1 to talk to over any problem. I need my family.. they r the 1s who will always be there.
I feel so drifted from every1. I just cant find any1 to talk to anymore.. I feel that I am shying away from people. It's prob due to all the hypocrites, liars & back-stabbers incident. I know they are just trying to break me.. I am stronger now, but still weak and emotional. Even Gerald.. he is the only 1 I think that I can trust to say anything. Coz he is my bf, shld be my companion, my soulmate too. But somehow, I think there's is a drift.. which took me awhile b4 I could open it all up to him. It may just be due to lack of understanding. But whether he understds me or not, I dun feel that he is the rite person to advise me.. he juz cant give me any comments.
When I cried out of nowhere on the phone to him, he kinda knew why I was crying. It's like he know me, yet he dun. But coz other than my parents, I still feel the dearest to him, talking to him always makes me feel better.
I talked to Mum too. I appreciate her so much more while I'm here now. I miss her lots.. I used to hate it when she nags, give me advices & all. But this is when I need it the most. I dun wan her to feel so worried. But I know my family is the only 1 I can turn to & trust now. She tries to make my worries not such a big deal at all.. even if they happen. I know she is only consoling me. She told me that even if I have to take supp paper in Dec, she would come with me.. or even my Dad. Anyhow, I wont be alone.
This is the most emotional part of my life.. worst year I had so far.
*Prays*
you make my life perfect-`